It has come to my attention that I am my own worst enemy. More of a personal realization... I am thinking I am not the only one, well maybe hoping anyway. I know I am always pretty transparent on my blog. Some may say a little too much for the public eye and it really puts me out there for judgement of course. Interestingly enough I believe the bible talks about judging people. I think there was a reason why Jesus decided to walk down roads filled with pot holes and pot heads, instead of perfectly paved streets and men on their high horse.
So let me apologize in advance if this steps on toes but keep in mind these are my thoughts, it is my journey and it is my story. My opinion is my own and not to be confused with yours.
I made choices in life to do things a little backwards. Got married young, had children, settled down and failed, Got married again, had a few more children and truly believed in my heart that with God we could really build a life together... bigger failure then before. So now I look back certainly without regret but find myself on the fence.
I am planning a future for myself and my children, set apart from a significant other. ( Something I get really excited about. It means my own identity for the first time in my life!)
BUT trying to figure out how not to instill multiple personalities in my children since my parenting is the complete opposite of their fathers. How do you keep from being their source of stress from constant confusion? Then because their father and I could not communicate, EVER, how do I bind that and throw it out the door so we can co-parent and co-exist without giving up my core values like I did when we were married. Nothing like hearing the words from your child that divorce is a good thing because you get 2 birthdays and 2 Christmas'! I want my children to be independent not dependent. I want them to be givers not takers. I want them to seek peace and stand up for what they believe. I want them to know it was and never will be their fault that I failed in my marriage to their father. Our love got lost in the hustle and bustle of the day to day mundane and before we knew it time ran out and it was too late! ( honestly I believe it will always remain a mystery to me!) I know that if you read my blog you know I am an open book. I discuss my feelings, thoughts and inner desires... You should know of course I did so in my marriage. I was told last night that the only way I would stop talking was if I was dead and they asked me last night if I talked to myself? I said, "NO, I don't talk to myself." I was sort of lying. I do in my head. Think I am crazy. Get out the straight jacket then. Whatever! When you spend the last 13 years believing that what you say means something and your husband gets you because he promised to love, honor and cherish you, keep you safe through sickness and health, good times and bad, for richer or for poorer. Then one day you realize that not only your husband, his family, your friends and your church family could care less what you say. The whole time I was just talking to myself.
So here is what I have concluded... For the sake of getting hurt that way ever again, I am personally sabotaging every relationship I have. With friends and in dating. Hmmm, What a quandary???
There are some seriously intense emotions I am having to overcome. It is amazing being 36 years old and trying to learn what should have been learned a long time ago...
First comes love... What is that? My mom and dad where not ever married I didn't have the foundation and proof it ever existed so hmmm make it all up in my head! Check.
Then comes marriage... Because, well, you touched my leg it made me all tingly inside and that was the fantasy world that equated to LOVE and so the next step is marriage! Right?
Then comes a baby in a baby carriage... Because the one thing your momma always told you not to do because you would get pregnant is now okay because you are married and no precautions are necessary even though you have absolutely no clue what you are getting into or how to raise a child because you are still one yourself!
Then what... What comes next. Heated arguements, bills to pay, working long hours or not working at all, no sleep and no sleep and no sleep. good sex and bad sex, he used to say good morning now he doesn't say anything, He loves me, he cheated but he still loves me.... Oh shit What the hell people. Stop talking to your friends or watching movies and sitcoms to figure out what YOUR marriage should be.
Marriage is not THE fairy tale. It is YOUR fairy tale. When you get married, I know you have read the scriptures... The man leaves his mother and father and cleaves ( sticks like glue) to his wife and the two will become one and no man can ever separate!!! You build a family together, communicate, and live and do the things you want to do. Work for the things you want in life. Don't just sit talking about it all the time. Do it! Don't wait. In waiting you become complacent! Tomorrow may never come.
There is so much I really want to say right now. I am going to spare the details but here it goes.
If you don't like how IT feels or the way he/she touches you tell him or her.
If you want to hear good morning or good night, even if you think it should just come natural, obviously it doesn't for him... TELL him or her!
If you don't like Chinese Buffets. Ask him to take you somewhere else or compromise I will go here this time but next time I would like to go here. Unless you are totally smitten. Get take out and go home. You never know what could happen! Think outside your bubble. His seconds could be you!
Foreplay is good for both men and women. Stop being in such a hurry.
I know you are busy. So am I but if you really want to get to know me like you said you did then make some freaking time. We are all busy with what we want to do! We make time for the things we want to do. I know work is involved in everyday, day to day... But by now you know your hours.
Whoa. I did just write that!
So. I may just be talking to myself but now I know what I have been doing. So today. I am wiping the slate clean. Past is in the past. Who freakin' cares. One thing is for certain. I am single. I am a mom. I will choose to have faith every day. Slow down and look for the sweet surprises everyday, even if it is a sweet good morning beautiful text message or a smile from a stranger. Raise my children the best I can. Enjoy every moment with everyone like it may be my last. Stop thinking so much. Forget about analyzing everything.
Go with the flow has taken on a new meaning for me. This life was already planned by the God I serve. We make choices But he is in control. I seek him first. If you don't think I do it is okay. That is between me a God anyway!
Live this beautiful life we have been given. Embrace all things amazing and wonderful and harsh and horrible. Everything Makes us stronger. We can learn from everything.
I leave you with this. The outcome may not be what you expected it to be. It could be better or worse. Lay down the expectations. Just breath and choose to life the best way you know how. It's your life! Own it!