Friday, April 3, 2015

Crown Me!

If you are reading this blog you know that it is sincerely from my heart that I write. It still amazes me that every second of everyday has a twist or a turn that changes the direction of your path. Though there have been too many changes to really get into this is something I found myself wanting to share. Its no secret that in 2011 My divorce became final and yet another chapter of my life had been closed and chocked up to failure. Or so it seemed. We all go thru our own process and since I wear my emotions proudly on my sleeve it would be no different for me to share very intimate feelings for the whole world to see. You can read past posts and know my hearts cry or my hearts joy. It has been an amazing testimony of a journey not of failure but of strength and growth. Isn't that what life is all about?

I came across a story I wrote in 2012. back then it had a different meaning to me but I had been recycling this thought over and over....



Crown Me. Are you my King? Will I be your Queen? Time will tell, We will see, Whatever will be will be.

It was in my thoughts so much that I decided to write a story about what I thought it meant to me at the time.  I had made several new friends and I was dating again and I found myself stuck in a world I did not want to be in. There are so many emotions after the finality of a divorce. The thought of rebuilding not only a family but who you are without your husband was terrifying to me. I have began walking a little slower, taking a moment to breath, finding balance in a world so off its rocker. We all have a little crazy in us. I consider it such a great accomplishment to say I have walked through the craziest and now I am content in crazy. It's me. I am emotional, creative, spontaneous, expressive, generous and thoughtful. It's me and it's okay if you are not used to it but I won't compromise Communication, Honesty and Trust. So here it goes. Happy reading.


Is it Crazy? (written in 2012)



There was a land far, far away. It was a land like no other. A land known as CRAZY.  The King of crazy seemed to be the only one with any common sense. The people called him the King of the Hammer and Saw. He was the jack of many trades which the people did not understand. In the mundane of the world today everyone had forgotten that life was simple if you just did what you needed to make sure all was taken care of. They had lost sight of what it meant to truly be happy and all it took was a step in the right direction instead of the circles they found themselves spinning in. The king was out to sea often and could not guide the people in his ways so they adapted their own. This made the king even more special. Even though everyone had gone crazy he still stayed the course and helped others as much as he could with selfless random acts of kindness. He did not even realize the impact his kind heart made.  They knew he had been through the darkest of days but his cautious reputation only made him the strongest in the land.

On the other side of the land was The Land of The Craziest. The Queen of Paper and Scissors lived there in the mundane of the world today but wanted so much more. She had dreams and desired more than anything to inspire others to create the day. The evil king kept her locked in a fortress with not even the mush he fed to the pigs to sustain her. She knew there was more out there and it took great courage to move on but she did. On her journey she traveled past the Land of the Mad, the Land of the Lonely, and the Land of the Weeping Willows. It seemed all else would fail until one day she came to The Land of the Crazy. Her heart had been healed and her strength renewed with a boldness she never knew she had in her. The smile on her face returned and her faith and hope was restored.

It was a sweet surprise on her journey when she crossed paths with the King of the Hammer and Saw. Everything just began to fall into place. She found her a home. Found stable ground to stand on and build the simplistic life she had always dreamed for herself.  Her spirit was captivated and her hands inspired again. She was faced with a certain fear of the unknown but it brought her the purest of joy and the happiest of thoughts. He would never know how he came at the perfect time in her life. Even if it would only be for a minute or maybe more. She believed that God created our better half completely whole and pure to lead with strong hands so that no matter what came against them they could work through it and only come out stronger. Her past was full of a train wreck of disappointment but she never gave up. She pressed through not because she had to but because she wanted to. Only to see the reward is perfect timing.

The King and Queen began to spend days and nights together. Slowly in the most amazing way figuring each other out. She was taken care of for the first time. She was respected for the first time. Her heart spilled over again and again with joy. She was enamored by his passion and creativity. It was something she believed only existed in her own heart. It is a miraculous encounter that 2 from different lands meet in a place and time that only they could know was right.

Crown Me. Are you my King? Will I be your Queen? Time will tell, We will see, Whatever will be will be.


So today here we are. When I came across this again as I read it the story became reality. I am excited about new beginnings. I am excited about this life and the sweet people in it. The plan certainly was not my own but with Faith, Hope and Love It is as it should be. My heart is full. 


Saturday, January 10, 2015

Love...


Sometimes you just have to dig deep. This weekend has been so many things and it isn't even over yet. I feel like I have so many things I want to write about I just don't know where to start. So here it goes, I hope you can follow along...

So Doug has been offshore for over a week now and we are very lucky to be able to communicate on Facebook and occasionally talk on the phone... Tonight he messaged me and said, "life is AMAZING with you in it." He was being sweet and we can be sweet to each other and this was one of those moments when I said awe baby and felt good and all is right with the world...

As I walked in the kitchen I found myself contemplating... Life is AMAZING with me in it and I gathered a whole new perspective. If I am not in the game, If I am not doing the best I can, If I am not giving my all, If I am not in this life... actively making choices and picking myself up and not giving up.... then life isn't amazing. It's defeated and weary and 
depressing and anxious and crazy and unbalanced and a million things.  

I realized that even though I didn't think I did...
 I know for sure I didn't want to...
 I checked out.
I wasn't in it.
 Do you ever feel like you just can't do it anymore but you know if you don't, there isn't anyone who can or will do what you HAVE to do, except for you?

My heart has been heavy with friends who are devastated by sickness, loss of a marriage or a relationship or a loved one and even is he ever going to make me the one? At some point we all checked out. It's a slow fade a crazy life process we don't even realize it's happening. Like our body is going through the motions because everything becomes monotonous. Maybe like taking the same way to work each morning... I bet after a couple years you could drive blindfolded and make it in better time then you ever did before. It's like just going through the motions without emotion!

I saw a quote today...
 "Sometimes we don't see certain things until we are ready to see them a certain way."

I remembered this photo of me when I was little with a dog I really do not remember but on the back of the photo my mom wrote something... Love means never taking your eyes off one another.

 

If we never took our eyes off one another... meaning if we always encouraged, cared, loved and looked after each other then it is certainly a possibility this LIFE would truly be AMAZING because we are in it. Living it. Taking care of other and of our self. We may not know the plan but we are still going through the motions with a ton of emotion and loving every minute of it 
because it feels good and we are happy. 

I spent this weekend with old friends who no matter what have stood beside me, lifted me up and encouraged me. Even though I wasn't in it, they didn't give up on me. We laughed and created and cried and just enjoyed the moment. I made keeping my phone close a priority because Doug is working hard and he is in the middle of the ocean and our only line of communication is the phone. I was not going to take a chance on missing his call because I need to be there to encourage him and I certainly needed him to encourage me. For the first time in my life the word marriage does not scare me and I would marry him in a heartbeat... Is that the plan? not right now. Do I like it? No, I do not. Is it ok? Hell... yes it is because it is all in Gods timing. Not mine. Do I like that? NO!!!! but is it ok? YES. It isn't about getting my way it is about How amazing life is with me in it! So I am choosing to do just that. Enjoy every day I am given with an amazing man, amazing friends, amazing kids and an amazingly creative place that is a dream come true that I get the pleasure of calling my job! 
I say I have plenty of blessings to be counting. 
Don't take your eyes off the important stuff. It's really all that matters! 

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The dream still remained...




I followed a dream and I wasn't ready but I did it anyway... ( when I say I wasn't ready I mean every fear that could possibly arise did... What ifs and maybe it won't work or maybe they won't come) I had faith in the plan and knew that I would do what it took to make it work. I am so glad I did. Create 365 has brought me so much joy. Watching my children create in my store like I did with my grandmother when I was little. It became my peace. Just as I was not ready for it to open I am not ready for it to close but it is time. I have some work to do and my direction is changing, life changing decisions are on the horizon. Many will say don't close the store it is so amazing. Many will say they would hate to see it go. So many of you have supported me through this wonderful journey to discovering who I am. So many of you have seen a peace inside of you that will forever be stamped with Create 365. When you are a dreamer there are more dreams to follow. So I can't give specifics, I don't know when and maybe by some amazing miracle of Go,  just as amazing as the day we opened the doors, Maybe they will stay open. Just remember the foundation that Create 365 was built on is faith. Just because life threw me a rocky road, a curve in the path, a fork in the road, a mountain to move... does not mean that foundation is broken or gone. It just means we will all grow and learn something from it! 


I found this as a draft in my blog posts but I never published it. I actually just avoided it. I kind of do that. I avoid the confrontations of life because I don't want to believe its true. I fear whats on the other side... If I avoid it or never have to say it out loud or never hear its over then its not....Right?


It would be nice if that was the case but it isn't. I wanted to share these thoughts since everything really has changed and even though I had to close my doors to the store...in my heart the dream still remained. The doors still remained open. So today I sit here and reflect on a year that I climbed the mountain of all mountains. I am sure there will be more climbing to do but today I am heading into the studio. Clean, organized and begging for me to get creative again. Today is the day that Create 365 officially becomes reality again. Today I walk out the doors of my forever home into the doors of my dream come true. I am truly blessed. 

Today I am so ready to fly!


The Create 365 blog has been updated. 
Go check it out. 

http://soreadytofly.blogspot.com/

Monday, January 5, 2015

Put on your cape and fly....

It's obvious to me I have not been on here blogging away like my old creative self. Honestly I have had plenty of things to write about... Like remodeling my studio, closing the studio for good, buying a new house, renovating, camping in the RV, hating dating, becoming a recluse, meeting the man of my dreams and letting him walk away because I am stubborn and set in my ways, my baby girl made me a grandma and the gray hair just keeps on coming.... I lost my faith, lost myself, heck... I just got lost period. Talk about stuck in some quick sand.



How in the world can I fly when I just felt so stuck. I am so truly blessed but why did I feel stuck.
I have written about it before... I thought I was over it. But in life every thing beyond this moment is the unknown. I was stuck because every decision I am making is potentially life changing and what if it wasn't right. I was stuck because I was trying to control the unknown. Trying to sway the future. Lay some path that was perfectly designed by me all nice and smooth so the outcome of the day was me skipping along like kid with a lollipop and not a care in the world. Then I remembered that day I split my chin open... I was skipping up and down the front steps at my grandfathers house with my new sandals on... new equals slippery and skipping up and down the steps even though I was told not to over and over again did not end well. I put on my cape, I wore the cape, I was flying... Face first into the bottom of those stairs.

Why does it feel like every time something doesn't go as we have planned it that we are taking a face plant into the concrete? Something not going your way does not mean it is devastating and wrong it just means it wasn't the right thing right now. Make some changes and carry on. Oh goodness how many times do I have to hear you are playing the victim, you are crazy, you are a bitch or you were NOT nice to me before I say... Suck it up. We are on a constant journey into the unknown and it scares me... it freaking paralyzes me. I don't want to get married again. I did that, twice. I have opened, renovated and closed my store so many times that the dream got lost and seems like a blur. I worry about everything and everyone. My mind does not stop it just keeps going and going like the energizer bunny. I want it to stop. So I'm sorry if you have seen me on an off day where I have not treated you well, where I have acted like a crazy bitch or sat in a puddle of my own tears and had a pity party. Guess what.... I am sure you have had plenty of days like that too.

It surely will be a life lesson everyday for the rest of my life that today is a new day and the past is the past and I can't change a darn thing I did or said. I can't change how I acted or reacted. I can't change the past. However... I can change the regret by learning from it instead of growing bitter and hiding from it. I can allow myself the chance to put the cape on again, wear the cape again and fly again. I can allow myself the freedom of realizing that if just one little detail of my past changed I would not be here right now. My plan in high school was to go to college, become an Architect and travel and live on a horse ranch with 10 kids and a white picket fence. My life took some twists and turns. I put on that cape and wore it and I surely did fly. Finding myself planted face first in the concrete many times... I took chances, made choices and I braved the unknown. This holiday season I was reflecting on how things would have been so different.  I would not have my 3 amazing sons. Alexandria would not have met Darien and she would not have my sweet little grand baby. Oh goodness... I may not have even had Alex.  I would have never even tried to follow my dream and open a store. I would have not moved to Louisiana and began creating the way I create today. I would not have this amazing home and my new studio with fresh new ideas. I would have never met the man of my dreams and his adorable son. Yes... I let him walk out the door but I didn't let him walk too far. You may think all those decisions you make are permanent but they are not. You can make choices and take chances that can change the outcome of many things because what do you have to lose. Stop waiting for your superman, your dream to come true, your journey to begin.... Just put on the cape, wear the cape and fly.


This is what happened when I took a chance and ventured into the unknown.
I realized,
 Doug is the love of my life and even though it isn't exactly how I planned it to be its better and more perfect then I could have ever dreamed. That once I let go of past hurts and regrets and stopped taking it out on him and blaming myself for things from my past that were beyond my control...
 I found TRUE love exists and he truly loves me just as I am. Now I can only pray that a happy marriage and amazing life together is in our future. 
I realized the man my daughter chose as her perfect isn't my perfect for her but she loves him and they gave me a beautiful grand baby. They are happy and that is all that matters.
I changed and rearranged and I didn't give up on my dream... but I almost did. Now I am living in my forever home with a beautiful studio attached that is better then I could have ever dreamed or planned. It was hard work to get here. So many choices and dead ends and crossroads but we are here and its home and its wonderful. I find my peace. I embraced life. I was ready to fly and I did. 
I earned everyone of those grey hairs on top of my head. 
I would not change a thing.

My advice take it or leave it...
Don't fear the unknown. You have nothing to lose. I am proof that face planting in the concrete only hurts for a minute. Just take it as an attitude adjustment.
We all need one every now and again.






Friday, May 17, 2013

Come to the River





It has been a long time since I have been close enough to my maker, to feel His presence and to hear what is meant for ears other then just my own... It took me a long time to be willing and obedient to share my testimony of the journey of my life. Hell it took me a long time to admit the journey was a figment of my imagination and I created it. Every step I took I chose and none of which I regret but all of which I choose to never walk again. I choose to blame only me for my short comings and mistakes and that is a heavy burden to carry. Today I find forgiveness. Today, after a failed marriage, a divorce, a broken home, broken hearts and 3 amazing little boys torn from what they knew as family... today I sat watching my son perform on the piano in a play at his school. I sat on a bench with my other 2 sons and their father... I caught myself looking at us as a family again and wondered where the hell that came from and I found myself fighting back tears... wondering where the hell those came from. I welled up with emotions I believe have been repressed.  I know that God is good and He has a plan. I believed for so long for healing in my marriage when really I needed healing. I saw myself as a failure. I believed the words people spoke over me and they were not words of encouragement. They were not words of truth. I was a failure as a daughter, a wife and a mother.

I attended church for the first time in a long time 3 weeks ago... only to hear God give me a word for a friend. In marriage you give yourself to your husband and your husband gives himself to you. You are meant to stand beside each other and encourage each other. NOT TEAR EACH OTHER DOWN. That should not come as a surprise to most but to me it did and to pass it on to a friend... HE trusts me, HE believes in me, HE forgives me and HIS grace and mercy endures forever! It was not just word for a friend but word for me because I found myself making excuse after excuse as to why I would never marry again. Engaging in countless attempts at relationships only to sabotage them from the start! I know and believe that God has someone for me. In his timing... All in HIS timing.  Well You can imagine to my surprise that the next week at church I hear that only after an apology can there be forgiveness and if an apology is never made... Give it to the Lord to take care of and move on. There is a depth to that I can;t seem to put into words but you get the point... One my grandfather always told me. Even if you feel it isn't even your fault apologize because the time wasted on stupid nonsense, rehashing and bitterness is not worth it... Life is too short. Someone has to take the first step might as well be YOU!!! Then of course this past weekend was mothers day. The pastors tag teamed. You see a realness of life. one I appreciate! I am a mom and that will never change. I don't know if I even really have a point but this is the first step of many that I can honestly say I am back. Every piece of me restored, renewed and redesigned.

Listen to this song. Hear the words... I can sing it at the top of my lungs with tears in my eyes... It is called Come to the River.

Music is and always has been a driving force of emotion for me. I have to say I have been trotting on the "other" side of the river. You know on the banks of the river that are rocky, over grown and full of thorns. I could have chosen the path that was cleared away and made to walk on but I got lost. Lost my faith, my creativity, my heart and my passion. I thought I could do it all by myself but I can't... In loneliness we turn to man for answers and we are let down because the only one who can really honestly feel the voids we have is the one who loves us truly and unconditionally and the is my GOD!

I came to the river and drank. I don't want to thirst anymore. I want to dream and see them come true again. I want to create and see it inspire again. I want my heart mended and full of passion ready to love who God has for me. I am ready to feel LOVE and give LOVE. Something I didn't truly believe existed till I walked out of that auditorium by myself tonight in tears. I was humbled by the invitation from my ex husband to sit with our boys. It may never be what I created in my head our family would look like but it will be what God wanted it to be. God is Good and I trust He has a plan even if I don't see it. Today I find closure to MOVE FORWARD.

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