Friday, May 17, 2013

Come to the River

It has been a long time since I have been close enough to my maker, to feel His presence and to hear what is meant for ears other then just my own... It took me a long time to be willing and obedient to share my testimony of the journey of my life. Hell it took me a long time to admit the journey was a figment of my imagination and I created it. Every step I took I chose and none of which I regret but all of which I choose to never walk again. I choose to blame only me for my short comings and mistakes and that is a heavy burden to carry. Today I find forgiveness. Today, after a failed marriage, a divorce, a broken home, broken hearts and 3 amazing little boys torn from what they knew as family... today I sat watching my son perform on the piano in a play at his school. I sat on a bench with my other 2 sons and their father... I caught myself looking at us as a family again and wondered where the hell that came from and I found myself fighting back tears... wondering where the hell those came from. I welled up with emotions I believe have been repressed.  I know that God is good and He has a plan. I believed for so long for healing in my marriage when really I needed healing. I saw myself as a failure. I believed the words people spoke over me and they were not words of encouragement. They were not words of truth. I was a failure as a daughter, a wife and a mother.

I attended church for the first time in a long time 3 weeks ago... only to hear God give me a word for a friend. In marriage you give yourself to your husband and your husband gives himself to you. You are meant to stand beside each other and encourage each other. NOT TEAR EACH OTHER DOWN. That should not come as a surprise to most but to me it did and to pass it on to a friend... HE trusts me, HE believes in me, HE forgives me and HIS grace and mercy endures forever! It was not just word for a friend but word for me because I found myself making excuse after excuse as to why I would never marry again. Engaging in countless attempts at relationships only to sabotage them from the start! I know and believe that God has someone for me. In his timing... All in HIS timing.  Well You can imagine to my surprise that the next week at church I hear that only after an apology can there be forgiveness and if an apology is never made... Give it to the Lord to take care of and move on. There is a depth to that I can;t seem to put into words but you get the point... One my grandfather always told me. Even if you feel it isn't even your fault apologize because the time wasted on stupid nonsense, rehashing and bitterness is not worth it... Life is too short. Someone has to take the first step might as well be YOU!!! Then of course this past weekend was mothers day. The pastors tag teamed. You see a realness of life. one I appreciate! I am a mom and that will never change. I don't know if I even really have a point but this is the first step of many that I can honestly say I am back. Every piece of me restored, renewed and redesigned.

Listen to this song. Hear the words... I can sing it at the top of my lungs with tears in my eyes... It is called Come to the River.

Music is and always has been a driving force of emotion for me. I have to say I have been trotting on the "other" side of the river. You know on the banks of the river that are rocky, over grown and full of thorns. I could have chosen the path that was cleared away and made to walk on but I got lost. Lost my faith, my creativity, my heart and my passion. I thought I could do it all by myself but I can't... In loneliness we turn to man for answers and we are let down because the only one who can really honestly feel the voids we have is the one who loves us truly and unconditionally and the is my GOD!

I came to the river and drank. I don't want to thirst anymore. I want to dream and see them come true again. I want to create and see it inspire again. I want my heart mended and full of passion ready to love who God has for me. I am ready to feel LOVE and give LOVE. Something I didn't truly believe existed till I walked out of that auditorium by myself tonight in tears. I was humbled by the invitation from my ex husband to sit with our boys. It may never be what I created in my head our family would look like but it will be what God wanted it to be. God is Good and I trust He has a plan even if I don't see it. Today I find closure to MOVE FORWARD.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

All about your heart!

You have always heard me say... Life is a journey. We can choose to be whatever we want. Happy, sad, bitter, rude, hateful, depressed... Blah, blah, blah. 

So, I've been thinking. I do that way too much I have been told but it is me. Like it or not I think and re-think and contemplate EVERYTHING. There is an amazing peace inside when you know everything was your choice and you did it anyway. GOOD or BAD. Doesn't matter what the decision was. You realize that it still is your choice and you learn from all the choices that led you to where you are right now and make better choices... 

When I was 17 my grandfather took me on a cruise just 2 months before I got married. He says... you could have more of this if you don't get married... ( I wanted to be an Architect, travel, experience life, settle down, have 10 kids on my ranch with horses and a white fence. ) I could have had that... But "they" said I couldn't do it and I believed them!
So I got married anyway. We were happy, We were in love, We had 2 amazing children, We lived life, We made decisions and grew up together. This or that happens and you just get past it until you can't get past it anymore and you are left with more choices and decisions. In the midst of all of that... There is hurt, there was a lot of crying, pain and heart break. He thought I cheated, I knew he cheated but he says it was because he didn't think I loved him.  I pushed it away and didn't deal with it. Yes. I have come to realize... running away, giving up and repressing was what I did best! I thought I was ready and no sooner did I get out of one relationship I jumped into another. I was safe. I said I was never getting married again. I said I wasn't going to have anymore kids. I was broken... but he filled a void. When He played his music I felt at peace. A peace I had never felt before. 

I was enamored.

 [ in ámmərd ]   
  1. in love with somebody: inspired with love or passion for somebody
  2. captivated: charmed, fascinated, or captivated by somebody or something

I know I made mistakes. I made choices and the insecurities I brought into the first marriage I surely brought into the second just with a little different perspective.

We said things there were hurtful. I know God just looked down on us shaking his head saying... my children... All you have to do is look to me and everything will be okay! The more we hurt inside the more we hurt others. It took many years of counseling for me to get over MY hurt. Not hurt caused by others. MY hurt. The way I see it, If I am making my choices for my life. Even in a marriage, relationship or friendship. We have the choice and only we are responsible for them. I chose to submit to my husband and change me to do what he asked. When we should have cultivated a relationship and built a foundation knowing that who we are would never change. God created each of us unique for a reason. We need to realize that we each bring that unique to the table. It will always rub wrong because how I do it is not how you do it, But because I love you and I know what makes you happy and content I compromise. It is however an equal path we travel and your significant other has to do the same for there to be balance. It isn't hard. The bible doesn't say just the wife must submit. It says submit one to another! 

So the question is what piece of the heart do we follow after it has been broken into a million pieces... 

We don't follow any. We patiently put each piece back together looking at each piece carefully and mending the hurt of each broken piece! Learning from each one and finding our self again! It is the hardest part. Not only do we have a broken heart but we are naturally lonely, weary and just want to give up! Doesn't matter how big the smile is, it is just a mask until you deal with the hurt and broken pieces! 

So I have come to this place. I am faced with even more choices.
Stand on the faith that has carried my dreams or close Create 365 and move on!
Answer the phone when I know it is someone calling for something I do not have. 
Tell my children no when I want to give them the world! 
Get out of bed when all I want to do is sleep. 
Smile when I really want to cry. 
Do I believe that things really do happen for a reason and God really does have a plan and one day I will look back and say. What was I so afraid of? Why did I try to figure it all out when I should have known all I had to do was give it to Him and He would take care of it. 
My faith is being restored. My heart is mending. He knows my heart and the heart wants what it wants. If I teach my children anything that will be that no matter what don't ever give up on what your heart is telling you is right, Love hard,  live like it may be your last day, be honest and courageous.  Sing out loud if you want to, dance in the rain if you want to, scream if you want to, Laugh hysterically if you want to... Even if everyone is staring and "they" think you look ridiculous. You will know the time and the place to be respectful, but you never know, IF it is a feeling inside you, who is watching and maybe they needed it way more then you.  

I married young and then too fast. Not any of it was a mistake. It was all a blessing and I can say that today and mean it with all my heart. It has been a long journey. Today is a new day... Your life is what you make it so make it the most amazing life possible!

Here is a song for you...
I don't mind your odd behavior 
It's the very thing I savor 
If you were an ice cream flavor 
You would be my favorite one 

My imagination sees you 
Like a painting by Van Gogh 
Starry nights and bright sunflowers 
Follow you where you may go 

Oh, I´ve loved you from the start 
In every single way 
And more each passing day 
You are brighter than the stars 
Believe me when I say 
It's not about your scars 
It's all about your heart 
[ Lyrics from
You´re a butterfly held captive 
Small and safe in your cocoon 
Go on you can take your time 
Time is said to heal all wounds 

Oh, I´ve loved you from the start 
In every single way 
And more each passing day 
You are brighter than the stars 
Believe me when I say 
It's not about your scars 
It's all about your heart 

Like a lock without a key 
Like a mystery without a clue 
There is no me if I cannot have you 

Oh, I´ve loved you from the start 
In every single way 
And more each passing day 
You are brighter than the stars 
Believe me when I say 
It's not about your scars 
It's all about your heart

It is all about your heart. God gave us love in our hearts to share. We are too hard on our self and too hard on others. I know one day, maybe one day someone will storm into my life and I won't know what hit me and he will be wonderful, handpicked and the love of my life. Until then I am yet again perfectly content being me, being mom and being exactly what God wants me to be right now. My faith is strong. I know my heart it isn't about my scars!

Saturday, November 17, 2012

They are on their way!

Butterflies in my stomach can't even describe what I am feeling right now. I was looking thru a few of my scrapbooks to find some layouts I made a long time ago... 5 years to be exact. I don't have many pictures of my family all together. 

This is my grandparents house... I have the happiest memories in this house. If you have been in my store you know it is yellow. Look at the color of the house. Yes. It's the same yellow!

When you get married your husband and your children become your family. I chose to leave my home and begin a life here. I chose to live so very far from all I knew as family. Even though our life was not perfect, even though we had our moments, sometimes more bad then good. Family is family and in the end when all is said and done. They are all you've got! For the longest time, even after marriage I always said my family is in California and I longed to be with them but I knew that my path led me here for a reason and my boys are that reason. My marriage may have ended at just the time I was getting used to the thought that my family is here and the longing to go back to California was fading. Of course I missed my sisters, my mom, my grandmother and my nieces and nephews, but Home is here. It is where my heart is. God has a plan for us and I trust Him! Alexandria does not know it yet but she is a huge part of that plan. She will realize one day that our journey here was meant to be and have no regrets. She has met the love of her life and that is the future generation of my family. Just to know that her dreams will come true and she will know a love like no other makes it that much more worth it! 


This is me when I was very young!

I don't have many pictures of me when I was little but this one is very dear to my heart... On the back My mom wrote, Love means never taking your eyes off one another." I honestly do not remember this dog in our life and I am sure the story is a good one but when I read the writing on the back, it is always something that stuck with me. I don't think people understand just how amazing true love is. 

My grandma and Grandpa.

I talk about my grandparents all the time. My grandfather has been gone but not forgotten for 4 years now. My grandmother traveled with my grandfather all the time. I believe this is her maiden voyage without him! Traveling in a motor home which I don't think my grandfather would have ever done. Isn't it amazing the journey. There are 4 generations in that motor home. 

I was pregnant with Jaxon in this picture. Alex looks so different.

 This is me with all my sisters... Mom has 6 girls. I am the oldest! There are only 2 pictures in existence with all of us together. The one before this was when the twins were babies. 14 years before this one was taken! Yes my mom has twin girls. They are the youngest. only 2 years older then my daughter!

So, I moved here in October of 2000. That is 12 years ago. The last time I saw my mom was when Jaxon was 6 months old, 5 years ago. The amazing thing is my mom has never been here in the 12 years I have been here. I will show my mom New Orleans for the first time... And I guess we will visit the Cajun Pawn Stars. It is all she talks about. Insert giggles! It will be the first time any of my family has stepped foot into my store, Create 365. It will be the first Thanksgiving I have spent with my family in, well, I honestly can't even remember! So they are all on there way. Praying for safe travels and an amazing reunion. I am beyond excited. Check back for more pictures. I am taking a bunch!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

What are you afraid of?

What a statement that is... " EVERYTHING you want is on the other side of fear."

It's the truest statement I have heard in a long time... They say 20 seconds is all you have to make a courageous move. When you get the courage to do something the more you think about it, the more time passes, the more time fear has to set in place and hinder your wants and desires from ever coming to fruition. 

I will say I have 2 fears. It has been with countless hours of thinking, meditating, pondering and thinking again that this is what I know!!! 

I fear the unknown. Not like scary movie unknown, like locking the doors at night and things jumping out of the bushes or around corners. I don't fear that unknown. There are so many things I have wanted to experience and missed the opportunity because someone said NO or don't do it or that's a stupid idea or you are stupid for thinking of that. I chose to listen to others. Even though it was a true hearts desire. So I have learned that overcoming that fear comes with much joy and maybe some heartache on the other side. It is OK. I know the advice of others is them just sharing their best interest in my life. Maybe? I don't want to control the things you do in your life and I certainly don't want you to control mine. I have a journey to walk just like you do! Sometimes walking to the other side of the fear is the most enlightening part of the journey, when you are walking with eyes wide open.

We tend to put so many expectations on ourselves! 
How life is supposed to be. 
What society says life should be.
Media is such a driving force of what IS, but really isn't. 
When I got married the second time... The counselor/pastor asked my husband and I what each of our expectations were going into marriage... My husband to be had none. It was noble, thinking if he had expectations and they were never met he would be disappointed. I had plenty of expectations but mostly that  I wanted to KNOW that this was the best decision to make for my life and my children. Nobody can tell you that for certain. It looks like everything is right when all of it was wrong. You are blinded in ways I will never understand but I know that without those years I would not be who I am today. So even though my worst fear was the unknown at the time... I still took a leap of faith and got married. I put my everything into it and in the end, I failed. 

So here I am sitting in the unknown again, walking thru it and actually embracing it. Will there be someone special for me in the future... I have no clue and it is okay, beautiful actually. I am blessed everyday to meet new people and share my heart.

Which leads me to my second fear...

I fear rejection. There are so many reasons why rejection is an ever revolving fear in my life until someone told me today, "we are all rejected". We are? The worst feeling about rejection is feeling alone. So if we are all rejected then I am not the only one. So what if someone does not like me, appreciate me or want to be a part of my life. What if I do it wrong or fail? Everyday life is full of choices and we can't please everyone. Someone somewhere is dealing with the same thing and it's okay!

So I am renewed today at the thought that on the other side of fear is EVERYTHING I want so I am throwing fear to the winds and I will keep moving forward.

This song has spoke to my soul lately... In some ways it reminds me of my grandfather who is soaring with the angels today! He always told me to apologize even if you did not feel like you were wrong because staying angry, sad or broken wasn't worth it. It is easy to blame others. It is easy to become the victim. Fear leaves you frozen in time which means you can't move forward to the other side. We all have something going on in our life. Be mindful of that fact. You may think someones ugly behavior is directed at you but they are dealing with something you could not even begin to comprehend! I promise you that if they are angry or upset with you they will tell you. If they are happy and in love they will tell you. Everyone wears their emotions on their sleeve. The future is unknown, but if you don't take a chance you may never know where it will lead and you won't end up where you are supposed to be. If you are rejected along the way look at it as a time to stop and rethink the situation, regroup and adjust your direction. Sometimes the truth hurts and that rejection may just be an awakening to shift gears and move forward on a different path!
Just stop long enough to listen!

Click to listen to the song.... Hear You Me 

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

Friday, November 9, 2012

I was just talking to myself!

It has come to my attention that I am my own worst enemy. More of a personal realization... I am thinking I am not the only one, well maybe hoping anyway. I know I am always pretty transparent on my blog. Some may say a little too much for the public eye and it really puts me out there for judgement of course. Interestingly enough I believe the bible talks about judging people. I think there was a reason why Jesus decided to walk down roads filled with pot holes and pot heads, instead of perfectly paved streets and men on their high horse.

So let me apologize in advance if this steps on toes but keep in mind these are my thoughts, it is my journey and it is my story. My opinion is my own and not to be confused with yours.

I made choices in life to do things a little backwards. Got married young, had children, settled down and failed, Got married again, had a few more children and truly believed in my heart that with God we could really build a life together... bigger failure then before. So now I look back certainly without regret but find myself on the fence.

I am planning a future for myself and my children, set apart from a significant other. ( Something I get really excited about. It means my own identity for the first time in my life!)
BUT trying to figure out how not to instill multiple personalities in my children since my parenting is the complete opposite of their fathers. How do you keep from being their source of stress from constant confusion? Then because their father and I could not communicate, EVER, how do I bind that and throw it out the door so we can co-parent and co-exist without giving up my core values like I did when we were married. Nothing like hearing the words from your child that divorce is a good thing because you get 2 birthdays and 2 Christmas'! I want my children to be independent not dependent. I want them to be givers not takers. I want them to seek peace and stand up for what they believe. I want them to know it was and never will be their fault that I failed in my marriage to their father. Our love got lost in the hustle and bustle of the day to day mundane and before we knew it time ran out and it was too late! ( honestly I believe it will always remain a mystery to me!) I know that if you read my blog you know I am an open book. I discuss my feelings, thoughts and inner desires... You should know of course I did so in my marriage. I was told last night that the only way I would stop talking was if I was dead and they asked me last night if I talked to myself? I said, "NO, I don't talk to myself." I was sort of lying. I do in my head. Think I am crazy. Get out the straight jacket then. Whatever! When you spend the last 13 years believing that what you say means something and your husband gets you because he promised to love, honor and cherish you, keep you safe through sickness and health, good times and bad, for richer or for poorer. Then one day you realize that not only your husband, his family, your friends and your church family could care less what you say. The whole time I was just talking to myself.

So here is what I have concluded... For the sake of getting hurt that way ever again, I am personally sabotaging every relationship I have. With friends and in dating. Hmmm, What a quandary???

There are some seriously intense emotions I am having to overcome. It is amazing being 36 years old and trying to learn what should have been learned a long time ago...

First comes love... What is that? My mom and dad where not ever married I didn't have the foundation and proof it ever existed so hmmm make it all up in my head! Check.

Then comes marriage... Because, well, you touched my leg it made me all tingly inside and that was the fantasy world that equated to LOVE and so the next step is marriage! Right?

Then comes a baby in a baby carriage... Because the one thing your momma always told you not to do because you would get pregnant is now okay because you are married and no precautions are necessary even though you have absolutely no clue what you are getting into or how to raise a child because you are still one yourself!

Then what... What comes next. Heated arguements, bills to pay, working long hours or not working at all, no sleep and no sleep and no sleep. good sex and bad sex, he used to say good morning now he doesn't say anything, He loves me, he cheated but he still loves me.... Oh shit What the hell people. Stop talking to your friends or watching movies and sitcoms to figure out what YOUR marriage should be.

Marriage is not THE fairy tale. It is YOUR fairy tale. When you get married, I know you have read the scriptures... The man leaves his mother and father and cleaves ( sticks like glue) to his wife and the two will become one and no man can ever separate!!! You build a family together, communicate, and live and do the things you want to do. Work for the things you want in life. Don't just sit talking about it all the time. Do it! Don't wait. In waiting you become complacent! Tomorrow may never come.

There is so much I really want to say right now. I am going to spare the details but here it goes.

If you don't like how IT feels or the way he/she touches you tell him or her.

If you want to hear good morning or good night, even if you think it should just come natural, obviously it doesn't for him... TELL him or her!

If you don't like Chinese Buffets. Ask him to take you somewhere else or compromise I will go here this time but next time I would like to go here. Unless you are totally smitten. Get take out and go home. You never know what could happen! Think outside your bubble. His seconds could be you!

Foreplay is good for both men and women. Stop being in such a hurry.

I know you are busy. So am I but if you really want to get to know me like you said you did then make some freaking time. We are all busy with what we want to do! We make time for the things we want to do. I know work is involved in everyday, day to day... But by now you know your hours.

Whoa. I did just write that!

So. I may just be talking to myself but now I know what I have been doing. So today. I am wiping the slate clean. Past is in the past. Who freakin' cares. One thing is for certain. I am single. I am a mom. I will choose to have faith every day. Slow down and look for the sweet surprises everyday, even if it is a sweet good morning beautiful text message or a smile from a stranger. Raise my children the best I can. Enjoy every moment with everyone like it may be my last. Stop thinking so much. Forget about analyzing everything.
Go with the flow has taken on a new meaning for me. This life was already planned by the God I serve. We make choices But he is in control. I seek him first. If you don't think I do it is okay. That is between me a God anyway!

Live this beautiful life we have been given. Embrace all things amazing and wonderful and harsh and horrible. Everything Makes us stronger. We can learn from everything.

I leave you with this. The outcome may not be what you expected it to be. It could be better or worse. Lay down the expectations. Just breath and choose to life the best way you know how. It's your life! Own it!

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