Saturday, May 2, 2015

Amazing is even more amazing then I thought!

Today is a day to dream, reflect and soak up some of this peace I have been overwhelmed with.

It is interesting to me the things people focus in on and what is so important to some is not important at all to others. Working a desk job, a big girl job, a "real" job some have called it,  is turning out to be more then I ever expected. I have met amazing people, I am learning somethings I never knew existed and brushing up on my typing skills. Yeah, that last one is a joke. For those of you who wonder what it is I can't do. It's type. I am getting better but I am too much of a perfectionist to take my eyes off the keyboard. Thank goodness for cut and paste. I was always really good at that. Nobodies perfect. Right?  This "real" job means security, health benefits, it means getting comfortable and it means time on my hands is rare. It is however very quiet in the office today and I find myself thinking pretty hard on the past few years after my divorce. This time alone has brought me face to face with choices I always thought would be made with my husband. It has taken a long time for me to realize that this has been really good for me. I needed to grow up. I needed to step up. I needed to be comfortable in my own skin. You have heard me say it before, I needed to find myself But I really wasn't lost, just drifting. The chance to stop and smell the roses didn't come often. That roller coaster of emotions was a crazy ride called LIFE. I am typing this with a smile on my face in awe of where LIFE has planted me. Roots, Balance, Faith, Peace, Love. It certainly is not all perfect but it is sure amazing. Everyone has a past. Hopefully we all learn from it more sooner then later. The present is setting the stage for what is to come and the future is wide open. Today I take it one day at a time. There are some days when I seriously lose it. Like crazy lose it. It's the days when its just way too much to carry on my own but its OK. Thank God for tomorrow. More important Thank goodness I can look up and know I am never alone. So as the pieces of the puzzle start to come together, the chapters in the book get longer and are filled with memories I will hold onto. I watch and wonder what the future holds. Finally watching with excitement knowing I have not settled or compromised even if it meant going against the grain or cutting the strings that held on to me like a puppet. I realize life is good and that spending my life with someone amazing may not be such a figment of my imagination. It is just a little different then I have gotten used to and different is really good. Funny how we settle and compromise not realizing it just to be accepted. There is a plan for sure and it is not my own. The peace I have found is not in searching and planning and holding on... it's just the opposite. My peace is found in forgiving, loving, letting go and staying true to my beliefs and myself.

Today is the day to choose to be anchored. Things didn't work out the way I wanted them to and I tried many times and failed. However in that failure revealed a true story of faith. What seemed like failure was just a test to show myself that amazing is even more amazing then I thought.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Crown Me!

If you are reading this blog you know that it is sincerely from my heart that I write. It still amazes me that every second of everyday has a twist or a turn that changes the direction of your path. Though there have been too many changes to really get into this is something I found myself wanting to share. Its no secret that in 2011 My divorce became final and yet another chapter of my life had been closed and chocked up to failure. Or so it seemed. We all go thru our own process and since I wear my emotions proudly on my sleeve it would be no different for me to share very intimate feelings for the whole world to see. You can read past posts and know my hearts cry or my hearts joy. It has been an amazing testimony of a journey not of failure but of strength and growth. Isn't that what life is all about?

I came across a story I wrote in 2012. back then it had a different meaning to me but I had been recycling this thought over and over....

Crown Me. Are you my King? Will I be your Queen? Time will tell, We will see, Whatever will be will be.

It was in my thoughts so much that I decided to write a story about what I thought it meant to me at the time.  I had made several new friends and I was dating again and I found myself stuck in a world I did not want to be in. There are so many emotions after the finality of a divorce. The thought of rebuilding not only a family but who you are without your husband was terrifying to me. I have began walking a little slower, taking a moment to breath, finding balance in a world so off its rocker. We all have a little crazy in us. I consider it such a great accomplishment to say I have walked through the craziest and now I am content in crazy. It's me. I am emotional, creative, spontaneous, expressive, generous and thoughtful. It's me and it's okay if you are not used to it but I won't compromise Communication, Honesty and Trust. So here it goes. Happy reading.

Is it Crazy? (written in 2012)

There was a land far, far away. It was a land like no other. A land known as CRAZY.  The King of crazy seemed to be the only one with any common sense. The people called him the King of the Hammer and Saw. He was the jack of many trades which the people did not understand. In the mundane of the world today everyone had forgotten that life was simple if you just did what you needed to make sure all was taken care of. They had lost sight of what it meant to truly be happy and all it took was a step in the right direction instead of the circles they found themselves spinning in. The king was out to sea often and could not guide the people in his ways so they adapted their own. This made the king even more special. Even though everyone had gone crazy he still stayed the course and helped others as much as he could with selfless random acts of kindness. He did not even realize the impact his kind heart made.  They knew he had been through the darkest of days but his cautious reputation only made him the strongest in the land.

On the other side of the land was The Land of The Craziest. The Queen of Paper and Scissors lived there in the mundane of the world today but wanted so much more. She had dreams and desired more than anything to inspire others to create the day. The evil king kept her locked in a fortress with not even the mush he fed to the pigs to sustain her. She knew there was more out there and it took great courage to move on but she did. On her journey she traveled past the Land of the Mad, the Land of the Lonely, and the Land of the Weeping Willows. It seemed all else would fail until one day she came to The Land of the Crazy. Her heart had been healed and her strength renewed with a boldness she never knew she had in her. The smile on her face returned and her faith and hope was restored.

It was a sweet surprise on her journey when she crossed paths with the King of the Hammer and Saw. Everything just began to fall into place. She found her a home. Found stable ground to stand on and build the simplistic life she had always dreamed for herself.  Her spirit was captivated and her hands inspired again. She was faced with a certain fear of the unknown but it brought her the purest of joy and the happiest of thoughts. He would never know how he came at the perfect time in her life. Even if it would only be for a minute or maybe more. She believed that God created our better half completely whole and pure to lead with strong hands so that no matter what came against them they could work through it and only come out stronger. Her past was full of a train wreck of disappointment but she never gave up. She pressed through not because she had to but because she wanted to. Only to see the reward is perfect timing.

The King and Queen began to spend days and nights together. Slowly in the most amazing way figuring each other out. She was taken care of for the first time. She was respected for the first time. Her heart spilled over again and again with joy. She was enamored by his passion and creativity. It was something she believed only existed in her own heart. It is a miraculous encounter that 2 from different lands meet in a place and time that only they could know was right.

Crown Me. Are you my King? Will I be your Queen? Time will tell, We will see, Whatever will be will be.

So today here we are. When I came across this again as I read it the story became reality. I am excited about new beginnings. I am excited about this life and the sweet people in it. The plan certainly was not my own but with Faith, Hope and Love It is as it should be. My heart is full. 

Saturday, January 10, 2015


Sometimes you just have to dig deep. This weekend has been so many things and it isn't even over yet. I feel like I have so many things I want to write about I just don't know where to start. So here it goes, I hope you can follow along...

So Doug has been offshore for over a week now and we are very lucky to be able to communicate on Facebook and occasionally talk on the phone... Tonight he messaged me and said, "life is AMAZING with you in it." He was being sweet and we can be sweet to each other and this was one of those moments when I said awe baby and felt good and all is right with the world...

As I walked in the kitchen I found myself contemplating... Life is AMAZING with me in it and I gathered a whole new perspective. If I am not in the game, If I am not doing the best I can, If I am not giving my all, If I am not in this life... actively making choices and picking myself up and not giving up.... then life isn't amazing. It's defeated and weary and 
depressing and anxious and crazy and unbalanced and a million things.  

I realized that even though I didn't think I did...
 I know for sure I didn't want to...
 I checked out.
I wasn't in it.
 Do you ever feel like you just can't do it anymore but you know if you don't, there isn't anyone who can or will do what you HAVE to do, except for you?

My heart has been heavy with friends who are devastated by sickness, loss of a marriage or a relationship or a loved one and even is he ever going to make me the one? At some point we all checked out. It's a slow fade a crazy life process we don't even realize it's happening. Like our body is going through the motions because everything becomes monotonous. Maybe like taking the same way to work each morning... I bet after a couple years you could drive blindfolded and make it in better time then you ever did before. It's like just going through the motions without emotion!

I saw a quote today...
 "Sometimes we don't see certain things until we are ready to see them a certain way."

I remembered this photo of me when I was little with a dog I really do not remember but on the back of the photo my mom wrote something... Love means never taking your eyes off one another.


If we never took our eyes off one another... meaning if we always encouraged, cared, loved and looked after each other then it is certainly a possibility this LIFE would truly be AMAZING because we are in it. Living it. Taking care of other and of our self. We may not know the plan but we are still going through the motions with a ton of emotion and loving every minute of it 
because it feels good and we are happy. 

I spent this weekend with old friends who no matter what have stood beside me, lifted me up and encouraged me. Even though I wasn't in it, they didn't give up on me. We laughed and created and cried and just enjoyed the moment. I made keeping my phone close a priority because Doug is working hard and he is in the middle of the ocean and our only line of communication is the phone. I was not going to take a chance on missing his call because I need to be there to encourage him and I certainly needed him to encourage me. For the first time in my life the word marriage does not scare me and I would marry him in a heartbeat... Is that the plan? not right now. Do I like it? No, I do not. Is it ok? Hell... yes it is because it is all in Gods timing. Not mine. Do I like that? NO!!!! but is it ok? YES. It isn't about getting my way it is about How amazing life is with me in it! So I am choosing to do just that. Enjoy every day I am given with an amazing man, amazing friends, amazing kids and an amazingly creative place that is a dream come true that I get the pleasure of calling my job! 
I say I have plenty of blessings to be counting. 
Don't take your eyes off the important stuff. It's really all that matters! 

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The dream still remained...

I followed a dream and I wasn't ready but I did it anyway... ( when I say I wasn't ready I mean every fear that could possibly arise did... What ifs and maybe it won't work or maybe they won't come) I had faith in the plan and knew that I would do what it took to make it work. I am so glad I did. Create 365 has brought me so much joy. Watching my children create in my store like I did with my grandmother when I was little. It became my peace. Just as I was not ready for it to open I am not ready for it to close but it is time. I have some work to do and my direction is changing, life changing decisions are on the horizon. Many will say don't close the store it is so amazing. Many will say they would hate to see it go. So many of you have supported me through this wonderful journey to discovering who I am. So many of you have seen a peace inside of you that will forever be stamped with Create 365. When you are a dreamer there are more dreams to follow. So I can't give specifics, I don't know when and maybe by some amazing miracle of Go,  just as amazing as the day we opened the doors, Maybe they will stay open. Just remember the foundation that Create 365 was built on is faith. Just because life threw me a rocky road, a curve in the path, a fork in the road, a mountain to move... does not mean that foundation is broken or gone. It just means we will all grow and learn something from it! 

I found this as a draft in my blog posts but I never published it. I actually just avoided it. I kind of do that. I avoid the confrontations of life because I don't want to believe its true. I fear whats on the other side... If I avoid it or never have to say it out loud or never hear its over then its not....Right?

It would be nice if that was the case but it isn't. I wanted to share these thoughts since everything really has changed and even though I had to close my doors to the my heart the dream still remained. The doors still remained open. So today I sit here and reflect on a year that I climbed the mountain of all mountains. I am sure there will be more climbing to do but today I am heading into the studio. Clean, organized and begging for me to get creative again. Today is the day that Create 365 officially becomes reality again. Today I walk out the doors of my forever home into the doors of my dream come true. I am truly blessed. 

Today I am so ready to fly!

The Create 365 blog has been updated. 
Go check it out.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Put on your cape and fly....

It's obvious to me I have not been on here blogging away like my old creative self. Honestly I have had plenty of things to write about... Like remodeling my studio, closing the studio for good, buying a new house, renovating, camping in the RV, hating dating, becoming a recluse, meeting the man of my dreams and letting him walk away because I am stubborn and set in my ways, my baby girl made me a grandma and the gray hair just keeps on coming.... I lost my faith, lost myself, heck... I just got lost period. Talk about stuck in some quick sand.

How in the world can I fly when I just felt so stuck. I am so truly blessed but why did I feel stuck.
I have written about it before... I thought I was over it. But in life every thing beyond this moment is the unknown. I was stuck because every decision I am making is potentially life changing and what if it wasn't right. I was stuck because I was trying to control the unknown. Trying to sway the future. Lay some path that was perfectly designed by me all nice and smooth so the outcome of the day was me skipping along like kid with a lollipop and not a care in the world. Then I remembered that day I split my chin open... I was skipping up and down the front steps at my grandfathers house with my new sandals on... new equals slippery and skipping up and down the steps even though I was told not to over and over again did not end well. I put on my cape, I wore the cape, I was flying... Face first into the bottom of those stairs.

Why does it feel like every time something doesn't go as we have planned it that we are taking a face plant into the concrete? Something not going your way does not mean it is devastating and wrong it just means it wasn't the right thing right now. Make some changes and carry on. Oh goodness how many times do I have to hear you are playing the victim, you are crazy, you are a bitch or you were NOT nice to me before I say... Suck it up. We are on a constant journey into the unknown and it scares me... it freaking paralyzes me. I don't want to get married again. I did that, twice. I have opened, renovated and closed my store so many times that the dream got lost and seems like a blur. I worry about everything and everyone. My mind does not stop it just keeps going and going like the energizer bunny. I want it to stop. So I'm sorry if you have seen me on an off day where I have not treated you well, where I have acted like a crazy bitch or sat in a puddle of my own tears and had a pity party. Guess what.... I am sure you have had plenty of days like that too.

It surely will be a life lesson everyday for the rest of my life that today is a new day and the past is the past and I can't change a darn thing I did or said. I can't change how I acted or reacted. I can't change the past. However... I can change the regret by learning from it instead of growing bitter and hiding from it. I can allow myself the chance to put the cape on again, wear the cape again and fly again. I can allow myself the freedom of realizing that if just one little detail of my past changed I would not be here right now. My plan in high school was to go to college, become an Architect and travel and live on a horse ranch with 10 kids and a white picket fence. My life took some twists and turns. I put on that cape and wore it and I surely did fly. Finding myself planted face first in the concrete many times... I took chances, made choices and I braved the unknown. This holiday season I was reflecting on how things would have been so different.  I would not have my 3 amazing sons. Alexandria would not have met Darien and she would not have my sweet little grand baby. Oh goodness... I may not have even had Alex.  I would have never even tried to follow my dream and open a store. I would have not moved to Louisiana and began creating the way I create today. I would not have this amazing home and my new studio with fresh new ideas. I would have never met the man of my dreams and his adorable son. Yes... I let him walk out the door but I didn't let him walk too far. You may think all those decisions you make are permanent but they are not. You can make choices and take chances that can change the outcome of many things because what do you have to lose. Stop waiting for your superman, your dream to come true, your journey to begin.... Just put on the cape, wear the cape and fly.

This is what happened when I took a chance and ventured into the unknown.
I realized,
 Doug is the love of my life and even though it isn't exactly how I planned it to be its better and more perfect then I could have ever dreamed. That once I let go of past hurts and regrets and stopped taking it out on him and blaming myself for things from my past that were beyond my control...
 I found TRUE love exists and he truly loves me just as I am. Now I can only pray that a happy marriage and amazing life together is in our future. 
I realized the man my daughter chose as her perfect isn't my perfect for her but she loves him and they gave me a beautiful grand baby. They are happy and that is all that matters.
I changed and rearranged and I didn't give up on my dream... but I almost did. Now I am living in my forever home with a beautiful studio attached that is better then I could have ever dreamed or planned. It was hard work to get here. So many choices and dead ends and crossroads but we are here and its home and its wonderful. I find my peace. I embraced life. I was ready to fly and I did. 
I earned everyone of those grey hairs on top of my head. 
I would not change a thing.

My advice take it or leave it...
Don't fear the unknown. You have nothing to lose. I am proof that face planting in the concrete only hurts for a minute. Just take it as an attitude adjustment.
We all need one every now and again.

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