Saturday, January 10, 2015

Love...


Sometimes you just have to dig deep. This weekend has been so many things and it isn't even over yet. I feel like I have so many things I want to write about I just don't know where to start. So here it goes, I hope you can follow along...

So Doug has been offshore for over a week now and we are very lucky to be able to communicate on Facebook and occasionally talk on the phone... Tonight he messaged me and said, "life is AMAZING with you in it." He was being sweet and we can be sweet to each other and this was one of those moments when I said awe baby and felt good and all is right with the world...

As I walked in the kitchen I found myself contemplating... Life is AMAZING with me in it and I gathered a whole new perspective. If I am not in the game, If I am not doing the best I can, If I am not giving my all, If I am not in this life... actively making choices and picking myself up and not giving up.... then life isn't amazing. It's defeated and weary and 
depressing and anxious and crazy and unbalanced and a million things.  

I realized that even though I didn't think I did...
 I know for sure I didn't want to...
 I checked out.
I wasn't in it.
 Do you ever feel like you just can't do it anymore but you know if you don't, there isn't anyone who can or will do what you HAVE to do, except for you?

My heart has been heavy with friends who are devastated by sickness, loss of a marriage or a relationship or a loved one and even is he ever going to make me the one? At some point we all checked out. It's a slow fade a crazy life process we don't even realize it's happening. Like our body is going through the motions because everything becomes monotonous. Maybe like taking the same way to work each morning... I bet after a couple years you could drive blindfolded and make it in better time then you ever did before. It's like just going through the motions without emotion!

I saw a quote today...
 "Sometimes we don't see certain things until we are ready to see them a certain way."

I remembered this photo of me when I was little with a dog I really do not remember but on the back of the photo my mom wrote something... Love means never taking your eyes off one another.

 

If we never took our eyes off one another... meaning if we always encouraged, cared, loved and looked after each other then it is certainly a possibility this LIFE would truly be AMAZING because we are in it. Living it. Taking care of other and of our self. We may not know the plan but we are still going through the motions with a ton of emotion and loving every minute of it 
because it feels good and we are happy. 

I spent this weekend with old friends who no matter what have stood beside me, lifted me up and encouraged me. Even though I wasn't in it, they didn't give up on me. We laughed and created and cried and just enjoyed the moment. I made keeping my phone close a priority because Doug is working hard and he is in the middle of the ocean and our only line of communication is the phone. I was not going to take a chance on missing his call because I need to be there to encourage him and I certainly needed him to encourage me. For the first time in my life the word marriage does not scare me and I would marry him in a heartbeat... Is that the plan? not right now. Do I like it? No, I do not. Is it ok? Hell... yes it is because it is all in Gods timing. Not mine. Do I like that? NO!!!! but is it ok? YES. It isn't about getting my way it is about How amazing life is with me in it! So I am choosing to do just that. Enjoy every day I am given with an amazing man, amazing friends, amazing kids and an amazingly creative place that is a dream come true that I get the pleasure of calling my job! 
I say I have plenty of blessings to be counting. 
Don't take your eyes off the important stuff. It's really all that matters! 

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The dream still remained...




I followed a dream and I wasn't ready but I did it anyway... ( when I say I wasn't ready I mean every fear that could possibly arise did... What ifs and maybe it won't work or maybe they won't come) I had faith in the plan and knew that I would do what it took to make it work. I am so glad I did. Create 365 has brought me so much joy. Watching my children create in my store like I did with my grandmother when I was little. It became my peace. Just as I was not ready for it to open I am not ready for it to close but it is time. I have some work to do and my direction is changing, life changing decisions are on the horizon. Many will say don't close the store it is so amazing. Many will say they would hate to see it go. So many of you have supported me through this wonderful journey to discovering who I am. So many of you have seen a peace inside of you that will forever be stamped with Create 365. When you are a dreamer there are more dreams to follow. So I can't give specifics, I don't know when and maybe by some amazing miracle of Go,  just as amazing as the day we opened the doors, Maybe they will stay open. Just remember the foundation that Create 365 was built on is faith. Just because life threw me a rocky road, a curve in the path, a fork in the road, a mountain to move... does not mean that foundation is broken or gone. It just means we will all grow and learn something from it! 


I found this as a draft in my blog posts but I never published it. I actually just avoided it. I kind of do that. I avoid the confrontations of life because I don't want to believe its true. I fear whats on the other side... If I avoid it or never have to say it out loud or never hear its over then its not....Right?


It would be nice if that was the case but it isn't. I wanted to share these thoughts since everything really has changed and even though I had to close my doors to the store...in my heart the dream still remained. The doors still remained open. So today I sit here and reflect on a year that I climbed the mountain of all mountains. I am sure there will be more climbing to do but today I am heading into the studio. Clean, organized and begging for me to get creative again. Today is the day that Create 365 officially becomes reality again. Today I walk out the doors of my forever home into the doors of my dream come true. I am truly blessed. 

Today I am so ready to fly!


The Create 365 blog has been updated. 
Go check it out. 

http://soreadytofly.blogspot.com/

Monday, January 5, 2015

Put on your cape and fly....

It's obvious to me I have not been on here blogging away like my old creative self. Honestly I have had plenty of things to write about... Like remodeling my studio, closing the studio for good, buying a new house, renovating, camping in the RV, hating dating, becoming a recluse, meeting the man of my dreams and letting him walk away because I am stubborn and set in my ways, my baby girl made me a grandma and the gray hair just keeps on coming.... I lost my faith, lost myself, heck... I just got lost period. Talk about stuck in some quick sand.



How in the world can I fly when I just felt so stuck. I am so truly blessed but why did I feel stuck.
I have written about it before... I thought I was over it. But in life every thing beyond this moment is the unknown. I was stuck because every decision I am making is potentially life changing and what if it wasn't right. I was stuck because I was trying to control the unknown. Trying to sway the future. Lay some path that was perfectly designed by me all nice and smooth so the outcome of the day was me skipping along like kid with a lollipop and not a care in the world. Then I remembered that day I split my chin open... I was skipping up and down the front steps at my grandfathers house with my new sandals on... new equals slippery and skipping up and down the steps even though I was told not to over and over again did not end well. I put on my cape, I wore the cape, I was flying... Face first into the bottom of those stairs.

Why does it feel like every time something doesn't go as we have planned it that we are taking a face plant into the concrete? Something not going your way does not mean it is devastating and wrong it just means it wasn't the right thing right now. Make some changes and carry on. Oh goodness how many times do I have to hear you are playing the victim, you are crazy, you are a bitch or you were NOT nice to me before I say... Suck it up. We are on a constant journey into the unknown and it scares me... it freaking paralyzes me. I don't want to get married again. I did that, twice. I have opened, renovated and closed my store so many times that the dream got lost and seems like a blur. I worry about everything and everyone. My mind does not stop it just keeps going and going like the energizer bunny. I want it to stop. So I'm sorry if you have seen me on an off day where I have not treated you well, where I have acted like a crazy bitch or sat in a puddle of my own tears and had a pity party. Guess what.... I am sure you have had plenty of days like that too.

It surely will be a life lesson everyday for the rest of my life that today is a new day and the past is the past and I can't change a darn thing I did or said. I can't change how I acted or reacted. I can't change the past. However... I can change the regret by learning from it instead of growing bitter and hiding from it. I can allow myself the chance to put the cape on again, wear the cape again and fly again. I can allow myself the freedom of realizing that if just one little detail of my past changed I would not be here right now. My plan in high school was to go to college, become an Architect and travel and live on a horse ranch with 10 kids and a white picket fence. My life took some twists and turns. I put on that cape and wore it and I surely did fly. Finding myself planted face first in the concrete many times... I took chances, made choices and I braved the unknown. This holiday season I was reflecting on how things would have been so different.  I would not have my 3 amazing sons. Alexandria would not have met Darien and she would not have my sweet little grand baby. Oh goodness... I may not have even had Alex.  I would have never even tried to follow my dream and open a store. I would have not moved to Louisiana and began creating the way I create today. I would not have this amazing home and my new studio with fresh new ideas. I would have never met the man of my dreams and his adorable son. Yes... I let him walk out the door but I didn't let him walk too far. You may think all those decisions you make are permanent but they are not. You can make choices and take chances that can change the outcome of many things because what do you have to lose. Stop waiting for your superman, your dream to come true, your journey to begin.... Just put on the cape, wear the cape and fly.


This is what happened when I took a chance and ventured into the unknown.
I realized,
 Doug is the love of my life and even though it isn't exactly how I planned it to be its better and more perfect then I could have ever dreamed. That once I let go of past hurts and regrets and stopped taking it out on him and blaming myself for things from my past that were beyond my control...
 I found TRUE love exists and he truly loves me just as I am. Now I can only pray that a happy marriage and amazing life together is in our future. 
I realized the man my daughter chose as her perfect isn't my perfect for her but she loves him and they gave me a beautiful grand baby. They are happy and that is all that matters.
I changed and rearranged and I didn't give up on my dream... but I almost did. Now I am living in my forever home with a beautiful studio attached that is better then I could have ever dreamed or planned. It was hard work to get here. So many choices and dead ends and crossroads but we are here and its home and its wonderful. I find my peace. I embraced life. I was ready to fly and I did. 
I earned everyone of those grey hairs on top of my head. 
I would not change a thing.

My advice take it or leave it...
Don't fear the unknown. You have nothing to lose. I am proof that face planting in the concrete only hurts for a minute. Just take it as an attitude adjustment.
We all need one every now and again.






Friday, May 17, 2013

Come to the River





It has been a long time since I have been close enough to my maker, to feel His presence and to hear what is meant for ears other then just my own... It took me a long time to be willing and obedient to share my testimony of the journey of my life. Hell it took me a long time to admit the journey was a figment of my imagination and I created it. Every step I took I chose and none of which I regret but all of which I choose to never walk again. I choose to blame only me for my short comings and mistakes and that is a heavy burden to carry. Today I find forgiveness. Today, after a failed marriage, a divorce, a broken home, broken hearts and 3 amazing little boys torn from what they knew as family... today I sat watching my son perform on the piano in a play at his school. I sat on a bench with my other 2 sons and their father... I caught myself looking at us as a family again and wondered where the hell that came from and I found myself fighting back tears... wondering where the hell those came from. I welled up with emotions I believe have been repressed.  I know that God is good and He has a plan. I believed for so long for healing in my marriage when really I needed healing. I saw myself as a failure. I believed the words people spoke over me and they were not words of encouragement. They were not words of truth. I was a failure as a daughter, a wife and a mother.

I attended church for the first time in a long time 3 weeks ago... only to hear God give me a word for a friend. In marriage you give yourself to your husband and your husband gives himself to you. You are meant to stand beside each other and encourage each other. NOT TEAR EACH OTHER DOWN. That should not come as a surprise to most but to me it did and to pass it on to a friend... HE trusts me, HE believes in me, HE forgives me and HIS grace and mercy endures forever! It was not just word for a friend but word for me because I found myself making excuse after excuse as to why I would never marry again. Engaging in countless attempts at relationships only to sabotage them from the start! I know and believe that God has someone for me. In his timing... All in HIS timing.  Well You can imagine to my surprise that the next week at church I hear that only after an apology can there be forgiveness and if an apology is never made... Give it to the Lord to take care of and move on. There is a depth to that I can;t seem to put into words but you get the point... One my grandfather always told me. Even if you feel it isn't even your fault apologize because the time wasted on stupid nonsense, rehashing and bitterness is not worth it... Life is too short. Someone has to take the first step might as well be YOU!!! Then of course this past weekend was mothers day. The pastors tag teamed. You see a realness of life. one I appreciate! I am a mom and that will never change. I don't know if I even really have a point but this is the first step of many that I can honestly say I am back. Every piece of me restored, renewed and redesigned.

Listen to this song. Hear the words... I can sing it at the top of my lungs with tears in my eyes... It is called Come to the River.

Music is and always has been a driving force of emotion for me. I have to say I have been trotting on the "other" side of the river. You know on the banks of the river that are rocky, over grown and full of thorns. I could have chosen the path that was cleared away and made to walk on but I got lost. Lost my faith, my creativity, my heart and my passion. I thought I could do it all by myself but I can't... In loneliness we turn to man for answers and we are let down because the only one who can really honestly feel the voids we have is the one who loves us truly and unconditionally and the is my GOD!

I came to the river and drank. I don't want to thirst anymore. I want to dream and see them come true again. I want to create and see it inspire again. I want my heart mended and full of passion ready to love who God has for me. I am ready to feel LOVE and give LOVE. Something I didn't truly believe existed till I walked out of that auditorium by myself tonight in tears. I was humbled by the invitation from my ex husband to sit with our boys. It may never be what I created in my head our family would look like but it will be what God wanted it to be. God is Good and I trust He has a plan even if I don't see it. Today I find closure to MOVE FORWARD.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

All about your heart!

You have always heard me say... Life is a journey. We can choose to be whatever we want. Happy, sad, bitter, rude, hateful, depressed... Blah, blah, blah. 


So, I've been thinking. I do that way too much I have been told but it is me. Like it or not I think and re-think and contemplate EVERYTHING. There is an amazing peace inside when you know everything was your choice and you did it anyway. GOOD or BAD. Doesn't matter what the decision was. You realize that it still is your choice and you learn from all the choices that led you to where you are right now and make better choices... 

When I was 17 my grandfather took me on a cruise just 2 months before I got married. He says... you could have more of this if you don't get married... ( I wanted to be an Architect, travel, experience life, settle down, have 10 kids on my ranch with horses and a white fence. ) I could have had that... But "they" said I couldn't do it and I believed them!
So I got married anyway. We were happy, We were in love, We had 2 amazing children, We lived life, We made decisions and grew up together. This or that happens and you just get past it until you can't get past it anymore and you are left with more choices and decisions. In the midst of all of that... There is hurt, there was a lot of crying, pain and heart break. He thought I cheated, I knew he cheated but he says it was because he didn't think I loved him.  I pushed it away and didn't deal with it. Yes. I have come to realize... running away, giving up and repressing was what I did best! I thought I was ready and no sooner did I get out of one relationship I jumped into another. I was safe. I said I was never getting married again. I said I wasn't going to have anymore kids. I was broken... but he filled a void. When He played his music I felt at peace. A peace I had never felt before. 

I was enamored.

en·am·ored
 [ in ámmərd ]   
  1. in love with somebody: inspired with love or passion for somebody
  2. captivated: charmed, fascinated, or captivated by somebody or something

I know I made mistakes. I made choices and the insecurities I brought into the first marriage I surely brought into the second just with a little different perspective.


We said things there were hurtful. I know God just looked down on us shaking his head saying... my children... All you have to do is look to me and everything will be okay! The more we hurt inside the more we hurt others. It took many years of counseling for me to get over MY hurt. Not hurt caused by others. MY hurt. The way I see it, If I am making my choices for my life. Even in a marriage, relationship or friendship. We have the choice and only we are responsible for them. I chose to submit to my husband and change me to do what he asked. When we should have cultivated a relationship and built a foundation knowing that who we are would never change. God created each of us unique for a reason. We need to realize that we each bring that unique to the table. It will always rub wrong because how I do it is not how you do it, But because I love you and I know what makes you happy and content I compromise. It is however an equal path we travel and your significant other has to do the same for there to be balance. It isn't hard. The bible doesn't say just the wife must submit. It says submit one to another! 






So the question is what piece of the heart do we follow after it has been broken into a million pieces... 

We don't follow any. We patiently put each piece back together looking at each piece carefully and mending the hurt of each broken piece! Learning from each one and finding our self again! It is the hardest part. Not only do we have a broken heart but we are naturally lonely, weary and just want to give up! Doesn't matter how big the smile is, it is just a mask until you deal with the hurt and broken pieces! 

So I have come to this place. I am faced with even more choices.
Stand on the faith that has carried my dreams or close Create 365 and move on!
Answer the phone when I know it is someone calling for something I do not have. 
Tell my children no when I want to give them the world! 
Get out of bed when all I want to do is sleep. 
Smile when I really want to cry. 
Do I believe that things really do happen for a reason and God really does have a plan and one day I will look back and say. What was I so afraid of? Why did I try to figure it all out when I should have known all I had to do was give it to Him and He would take care of it. 
YES!
My faith is being restored. My heart is mending. He knows my heart and the heart wants what it wants. If I teach my children anything that will be that no matter what don't ever give up on what your heart is telling you is right, Love hard,  live like it may be your last day, be honest and courageous.  Sing out loud if you want to, dance in the rain if you want to, scream if you want to, Laugh hysterically if you want to... Even if everyone is staring and "they" think you look ridiculous. You will know the time and the place to be respectful, but you never know, IF it is a feeling inside you, who is watching and maybe they needed it way more then you.  

I married young and then too fast. Not any of it was a mistake. It was all a blessing and I can say that today and mean it with all my heart. It has been a long journey. Today is a new day... Your life is what you make it so make it the most amazing life possible!

Here is a song for you...
I don't mind your odd behavior 
It's the very thing I savor 
If you were an ice cream flavor 
You would be my favorite one 

My imagination sees you 
Like a painting by Van Gogh 
Starry nights and bright sunflowers 
Follow you where you may go 

Oh, I´ve loved you from the start 
In every single way 
And more each passing day 
You are brighter than the stars 
Believe me when I say 
It's not about your scars 
It's all about your heart 
[ Lyrics from
You´re a butterfly held captive 
Small and safe in your cocoon 
Go on you can take your time 
Time is said to heal all wounds 

Oh, I´ve loved you from the start 
In every single way 
And more each passing day 
You are brighter than the stars 
Believe me when I say 
It's not about your scars 
It's all about your heart 

Like a lock without a key 
Like a mystery without a clue 
There is no me if I cannot have you 

Oh, I´ve loved you from the start 
In every single way 
And more each passing day 
You are brighter than the stars 
Believe me when I say 
It's not about your scars 
It's all about your heart

It is all about your heart. God gave us love in our hearts to share. We are too hard on our self and too hard on others. I know one day, maybe one day someone will storm into my life and I won't know what hit me and he will be wonderful, handpicked and the love of my life. Until then I am yet again perfectly content being me, being mom and being exactly what God wants me to be right now. My faith is strong. I know my heart it isn't about my scars!

Pieces of Me

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